dear erika,

Your Question: . I like a boy but he goes with my friend but I think he likes me what should i do?

It's utterly agonizing to like a friend's boyfriend. Because you're friends with the guy's girlfriend, you naturally hang out with him by default, and it can seem like the two of them are dangling their relationship before you with every flirty gesture -- like taunting a little kid with their favorite toy. Ugh. But here's the even more agonizing truth -- as long as this guy is with your friend, he's off the market and temporarily unavailable. (Yes, even if you think he likes you back.) Because, despite what you imagine he thinks of you, he has actively chosen to be with someone else. So the respectful and respectable thing to do is ... nothing at all. Go about your business. Look for other guys. Snag one of your own who isn't already involved.

Now, if the guy is actively pursuing you while dating your friend, you have a more complicated problem on your hands. The only thing worse than liking a friend's boyfriend is having him like you back, because then the danger factor skyrockets, with a big chance of people getting hurt. After all, it may seem fun and harmless to engage in a little flirting, but one thing can quickly lead to another at a certain football game, dance, wherever, and BOOM -- former friendships can really blow up in your face.

Here's how to quell the explosive situation: Be sure to tell the guy (directly, privately, and in person -- no incriminating Facebook posts) that, although you dig him too, you don't feel good about flirting with him while he's hooked up with your friend. Make him see that there's no having his cake and eating it too -- he's got to make a choice about who he wants to be with, you or your friend. If he chooses your friend, back off and let them be. If he chooses you, give him a little time to break up with your friend, then talk to her about the situation before going public. There's a very strong chance that your friend might villainize you for your actions, and you may experience some fallout from fellow friends, but at least you can rest comfortably knowing you were honest, communicative, and direct. Just be SURE you like this guy enough to suffer some social stigmatization for the sake of going out with him before making any big moves.

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Erika Stalder is a San Francisco-based writer who contributes to "Wired" and "Edutopia" magazines and worked with the International Museum of Women to produce the "Imagining Ourselves" anthology. She wrote Zest Books' The Date Book also coauthored 97 Things to Do Before You Finish High School .