dear erika,

Your Question: Ok well.......Theres this guy and i went out with him before. But it was like 2 years ago, and anyway he asks me to all the dances and everything cuz he still has feeling for me... but i always turn him down. Anyway should i try to go out with him again or just ignore him. I broke up with him because he had to tell everyone that i went out with him and then told other things about us. But i dont know what to do he still likes me a lot! please help!

Dear Reader,
So you're being haunted by a ghost of boyfriends past. This can be incredibly pesky or a unique opportunity to take a second crack at love. How do you decipher the difference? First, evaluate how YOU feel about this guy. Aside from the fact that he had a big mouth, did you like him when you went out with him two years ago? Was he otherwise everything a boyfriend should be -- honest, cute, funny, affectionate, respectful, and fun to be around? How do you feel about him now? Are you attracted to him? If you hadn't had a bad experience with him before, would you otherwise go out with him again? If you simply are flattered by the attention this guy gives you and don't actually like him in that way, well that's not enough to make a healthy relationship work. You have to like him just as much as he likes you.

If you do like him in that way, then next thing to decipher is whether he has matured in the past two years. Two years of maturity in high school time is like 10 years of maturity in adult time, so this guy could very well be ready to honor your relationship and its privacy on a more mature level. To help figure out if this is the case, observe his overall behavior -- is he more grown-up in the way he handles his friendships? This could be a sign that he's ready for the kind of mature relationship you seek. Of course, the only way to know for sure that he's ready to date you again, or at least make him accountable for keeping privacy a priority, is to talk to him directly about the issue.

Let him know face-to-face that you like him too and would love to try dating again. BUT tell him what annoyed you about dating him before -- specifically, his big mouth. Tell him how important privacy is to you and that it's a sign of honor and respect to keep your intimate life to yourselves. If he can agree to live by this code -- and if you really like him -- give the relationship another try. This time, you can feel better knowing these newfound boundaries around privacy have been discussed, agreed on, and put firmly in place. If you find he is disrespecting the boundaries you two set up, you can call him out on it and exit the relationship knowing you gave him a fair shot and carried yourself with honesty and integrity. What's more, you'll feel fully satisfied that, when it comes to this dude, you'll never have to wonder "what if?" again.

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Erika Stalder is a San Francisco-based writer who contributes to "Wired" and "Edutopia" magazines and worked with the International Museum of Women to produce the "Imagining Ourselves" anthology. She wrote Zest Books' The Date Book also coauthored 97 Things to Do Before You Finish High School .