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ABC Family: pinkcupcake 3RD CHAPTER of my story (: Please read and comment!

3RD CHAPTER of my story (: Please read and comment!

Shivers rushed up my spine as I waited impatiently for the figure to show its face. How did it know my name anyway? The knife I grasped in my hand shook as I stared into the shadows. "Who are you?" Seth demanded.

The figure emerged from the shadows and I let out a loud gasp, almost falling to the ground in shock. My uncle Walter was standing right in front of me with a smile.

He looked a lot different. His potbelly was substituted with a flat stomach. His face was free from the wrinkles that used to gather around his eyes, and his usual glasses were gone.

I squinted my eyes, convinced this was a hallucination. "Uncle... Walt?"

Uncle Walter grinned and stepped forward. "Oh Samantha, its been too long. I thought you were dead." he said.

My heart dropped inside of my chest. The grin he just made revealed two, large fangs.

"Oh my G..." I breathed, terrified. My hands fumbled for my sack full of weapons, but it was on the ground a few feet away.

"Oh dear. I should have remembered." He took another step towards me, reaching out one hand. It touched the side of my neck, and I shivered. His eyes closed and he inhaled. "I'm sorry you had to see that. But thankfully for you, you won't be seeing those again because they'll be in your neck."

I launched my fist into his jaw and he did not flinch. A moment passed and I was in the air, flying backwards. My back hit the gravel road and I writhed in pain, moaning. The pain surged through my entire body, and I felt as if I'd just been hit by a truck. I held my hands up and saw dark blood running down the skin and dripping, and a wave of nausea hit me. My eyes closed, and flashes of black filled my mind. "SAM!" I heard Seth shout before hearing metal tear through flesh.

I fluttered my eyes open, and the blurriness faded, showing Uncle Walt above me, his fangs fully extended. Just as he was about to lean towards my neck, I heard the most gut wrenching sound and silver blood was splattered everywhere. "Sam! Sam, are you alright?" Seth asked, kneeling down next to me and stroking my cheek.

Another wave of pain surged through my body. "Is... is he dead?" I croaked, my eyes searching around me.

Seth nodded and lifted me into his arms, standing up and holding me close. "We need to get back to the cottage, fast. The others should be close by now, they probably sense one of their kind's death." he said.

I wrapped my arms around his strong neck and nodded, leaning into his chest. My eyes slowly closed and I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to the sound of humming. I was looking into Seth's luring eyes as he leaned over me, holding a bandage. "You feeling any better? I injected some medicine that would help with the pain." he asked with concern.

I nodded slowly, reaching up to touch his cheek gently. "Yeah... thanks for helping me."

He nodded and gave me a big smile then returned to healing my wounds.

"Did you get hurt at all?" I asked, searching his face for a single flaw.

He pulled up one of his sleeves, revealing a deep cut. "Yes, pretty badly. This arm was the worst though."

I sat up quickly, panicking. "Did you get the food?"

He chuckled, nodding. "Yeah. They're still in the bag."

"I'm going to get cleaned up for dinner then. Thanks again, Seth." I lifted my head to brush my lips against his warm cheek, then slid off the counter and headed to the bathroom.

The water was freezing in the shower, but its cleanliness was all that mattered to me. My fingers dug through my thick blonde hair and shook it out as I stepped out of the water and onto the cold, tile floor. With a shiver I wrapped a towel around my body and returned to my bedroom. I slipped on a clean, white T shirt with a low cut, then slid on some sweatpants. I flipped my hair over and ran my fingers through it until it was untangled and wavy, then looked in the mirror.

My face was free of wounds, which was a relief. I took one last look at my reflection then returned to the kitchen. Seth looked clean, the dark shirt he was wearing hugging his chest perfectly. He grinned. "Hey Sam. Dinner's ready." A large plate of cooked deer meat was on the counter, and smelled delicious.

"Mhm. It smells really good." I remarked, walking up to the counter.

"So do you."

I burst into laughter, punching his arm. "Oh shut up."

"I'm serious. You look good too."

My cheeks flushed and I laughed. "Right. Because a T shirt and sweatpants are a dazzling combination. Okay, I'm starving. Back to the food."

"Same here. Oh and I gotta hand it to you, you get all the credit for picking this one out." he said, balancing an antler on the tips of his fingers.

We sat at the table, shoveling bites into our mouths. Gurgling noises filled my hungry stomach as I filled it with the deer meat.

"So what do you think happened to your uncle?" Seth asked, holding his fork between two fingers.

I nearly choked on the meat in my throat before swallowing deeply. "I have no idea. He was completely normal the last time I saw him."

Seth looked at me apologetically. "I'm sorry that I killed him, Sam. I-"

"You had to. Don't apologize. If I wasn't on the ground, I'd do the same thing." I muttered, shoving in another bite.

I stood up and walked over to the sink, then cleaned my plate. "Sam, let me clean th-"

I spun around and tripped, landing in an embrace with Seth with our faces only inches apart.

I stared deeply into his beautiful eyes before quickly pulling away. "I-I'm tired. Thanks for making dinner." I stammered, practically running to my room.

I closed my bedroom door behind me gently, then laid back on the pillows of my bed with a sigh. Part of me wished I stayed in that embrace, brushed my lips against Seth's. I pushed away the desire, groaning in frustration and scrunching my hair with my fists. I stared up at the ceiling and pulled the covers over my body. The night passed slowly, and sleep was impossible.

Every time my eyes would close, a horrid image of Uncle Walt would pop up in my mind. I stood up, pacing the room with a black slip that tightened around my chest. My breathing increased with each step, and I grasped the window frame so tightly that my knuckles turned white.

Releasing, I walked out of my bedroom and into the living area. My mind was swirling with awful images and confusing thoughts, and I needed fresh air. Grabbing a knife, I slid out the door and into the night.

The night was dark, the moon hidden beyond the clouds. I reached the meadow I was looking for, and lay in the grass, looking up at the stars. My hand was still tight around the knife's handle, and my breathing was steady. The muffled sound of footsteps suddenly caught my hearing. I urged my body forward into a sitting position, and I examined my surroundings frantically. Come on, Sam. Quit being a baby. Its probably just a squirrel or something.

"Sam?" a familiar voice came from behind me.

"Seth, is that you?" I asked, loosening my grip on the handle of my knife.

"Yeah, it is. What the h*ll were you thinking to come out here alone at night?" he asked worriedly, laying down beside me.

I sighed. "I was having nightmares and couldn't sleep, needed fresh air. How did you know where I was?"

"I kind of followed you. I heard you in the next room moving around, and then I heard the door open. So I followed." he said.

"I guess I wasn't as quiet as I thought I was." I muttered.

"Sam, please promise me you won't go out like this alone again. If I hadn't heard you back there and something happened to you..." Seth breathed.

"Nothing would have happened, Seth. I brought a knife, I would have been fine. But if it makes you happy... I'll wake you up next time." I mumbled.

"Thanks." he said, sighing. "The stars look pretty cool from this spot, I like it up here."

"Yeah, it kind of relaxes me coming here. I found it shortly after the attack." I said.

The breeze was the dominant sound around us, with a few leaves rustling. "Do you want to head back? You can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on the floor." Seth offered, getting up and brushing the back of his jeans with his hands.

He leaned down, offering a hand. I took it, and he pulled me up gently into a standing position.

"Yeah, that sounds good to me." I said, mindlessly looking down at the ground.

He pulled my chin up gently, and kissed my forehead. "Would you like me to carry you in my arms, or on my back?"

I laughed nervously, digging a boot into the ground. "I can handle walking, thanks."

He chuckled and hooked his arm with mine, and we walked back to the cottage.

I lay in the bed, staring up at the ceiling and twirling a strand of hair with my fingers.

"Goodnight, Sam. Sweet dreams." Seth breathed, laying on the floor on a pile of blankets.

I yawned, slowly closing my eyes. "Goodnight Seth."

SilentxxStrength83's picture

I really liked this chapter, Mady! Big smile You've written it really well. I can't wait for the next chapter; update soon please. (:

~Chasity~

pinkcupcake's picture

Thanks Chasity! (: I definitely will update soon, once I get past this "writer's block" in my mind. I'm struggling to figure out what I'm going to do next with the story, specifically in the next chapter. I know what I want to happen in a few chapters away from now, if that makes sense, but not for the next chapter... hmph. LoL. Thanks again Big smile

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

SilentxxStrength83's picture

You're welcome! =D I understand what you're saying. Writer's block sux. No comment I'm sure you'll find some inspiration for your next chapter soon and I can't wait until you post the chapter. Smiling Good luck!

~Chasity~

samluvzmax's picture

I liked this chapter a lot. I'm really liking this story.

The only thing I want to point out, is like Unit said, you switched tenses a few times.

~Proud Mommy of One~
Gianna Emily -March 6th, 2009-
Sam and Max -February 14 2005-

pinkcupcake's picture

Thanks so much Sam! (: Haha about the POV thing, I'm gonna fix it. The reason why I did that was I started on this chapter a few days ago and stopped, then continued and finished it today, failing to read the first part carefully enough to see that I wrote it in 3rd person.

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

samluvzmax's picture

You're welcome.

~Proud Mommy of One~
Gianna Emily -March 6th, 2009-
Sam and Max -February 14 2005-

Unit7's picture

The knife she grasped in her hand shook with it as she stared into the shadows

Reread this sentence, and then read the rest of your story. Can you see what you did wrong? Well if you didn't do this, I'll just show you. You shifted PoV. The whole story is told through the First Person, but in this sentence you were in the third person. You should stick to one PoV and keep it. Unless its a thought and you are writing in Third Person. In which case it would be acceptable if you point out that it is thoughts.

I can't... no I refuse to believe this, she thought as her hands slid across his chest. (not the best example but still)

Also the sentence reads sorta awkward. 'My knife trembled as I slowly brought it up. My eyes fixed on the shadows, waiting to see the identity of the voice.' not the greatest example. But Tremble is a great way of what you were trying to say.

Also I thought in the previous chapter she saw a white figure? But now he is cloaked in darkness??

Sam launched her fist into his jaw and he did not flinch

Well apart from the obvious switchin PoV, why does she attack him with her weakest arm? Just moments before she had a knife, and I would hope that was in her stronger hand. She even considers the bag of new aquired weapons... but the knife suddenly vanishes? Might want to make mention of the knife falling to the ground or that he disarmed her.

Not to mention why he seemed to be completely oblivious to Seth. He has proved quite formitable, yet he completely ignores him while he has a meal?

Exactly how long has it been since they started living together? I got the impression that it wasn't all that long, but apparently she is familiar with the woods?

Alot more description then your previous installments. Though it was a bit disapointing. You ended the last chapter with this mysterous figure confronting the two of them. Yet you didn't go into any detail as to why he was there and he was quickly defeated.

Oh before I forget.

I urged my body forward into a sitting position


"You All Everybody! You All Everbody!" - Charlie
fanfiction account Unit7

pinkcupcake's picture

Let me explain. I started to write this chapter a few days ago and finished one section, then continued onto it today and forgot about what tense I started out with, and made the mistake of not reading the first part before continuing. I'm gonna fix that.

I never said the meadow was in "the woods". She went to a meadow that she was familiar with, I didn't say anything about how long it took her to get there or anything, just that she got there. So I don't understand your problem with that.

The uncle was less interested in Seth because he wasn't as fiesty I guess than Sam was, and for some reason Sam was just more tempting to go for.

Can you explain why the sentence about her sitting up bothered you??

OK was there really nothing good about this chapter at all? Puzzled Cause that makes me feel pretty crappy, but oh well.

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

Unit7's picture

Your whole story has been in First Person though.

Then Sam is an idiot, which contradicts the building of what is supposed to be a strong female character. Just a few hours ago she had her behind handed to her on a silver platter(god I just realized how many people would be annoyed by the 'strong female' who is supposed to be great ends up being saved by a guy. heh funny) Why would she willingly go out of her way, unarmed I believe, in the middle of the night? Which also seems a bit unrealistic of Seth, who has become a little overprotective of her. Seth had mentioned that they can sense when one of theirs has died. It seems a bit to early to allow their guard to drop so much.

That and the fact that you didn't exactly specify where she went and how far could be a problem in itself. You may want to specify, because I figured she was going somewhere nearby. Which is where the confusion came from.

Seth still posed a threat to his meal, or whatever he was doing. Should add in that they struggled for awhile, Seth being unyeilding in his efforts and when good old Uncle Walter was busy with his niece...

Either the post was cut off or I deleted what I had put down and didn't rewriting it.

What I said, or wanted to say, was that Crouching would have been a better word to say a sitting posistion. Actually scratch that. I misread the sentence. I read it as if she were standing up, and moved into a crouching posistion. But rereading it I realized I was terribly mistaken.

The ideas were good, the description has improved some, and the budding relationship between Sam and Seth is good. Its just some of the stuff, such as the Uncle bit, were poorly executed.

Though I am curious. Seth says he injected her with something that would help heal her wound. What year does this take place in?


"You All Everybody! You All Everbody!" - Charlie
fanfiction account Unit7

pinkcupcake's picture

Oh, okay. I understand what you meant by some of your statements, thanks for the criticism. I do agree that the Uncle scene was poorly executed, its just I'm not very good with writing about fighting... at all. I'm trying to work on it, but yeah.

The reason that Sam put down her strong face and let Seth take her back to the cottage in his arms was because she was feeling weak from the blow from her uncle and was hurting. I'm going to try to keep on making her a strong girl, its kind of hard though because I'm being conflicted with different directions I'd like to take with the story (like with her and Seth and their relationship, how it progresses)

It takes place around this time.

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

Unit7's picture

No I was talking about how Seth had to save her life from her Uncle. I was browsing a thread about Fantasy Cliches on this forum I visit and alot of people were complaining how there is a strong female, who always has to prove herself to the guys and such. She is quite the fighter and strong spirited but at one point she becomes helpless and must rely on the male character to save her. That small comment was more or less me thinking out loud, so to speak.

Or were you refering to my comment about her letting down her guard? If so please ignore my rambling. But I was more talking about going out a good distance from the house thing, so unarmed and not worrying about if any more Vampire things are nearby. She basicly goes into that medow butt nekked.

Well my opinions on a nice rounded Strong Girl is one that can defend herself. She is capable of overcoming her emotions when she needs to and can kick butt. They don't have to dislike or hate acting feminie(this part comes from the fantasy cliche i was rambling about) and can easily enjoy such things. They are not afraid to show emotion and can feel vulnerable at times.

This is sorta what I see in your character Sam, unlike mine who is using sex with Kyle to get back at her Mother(its a very odd thing when your character tells you that sort of thing...)

She can fight, she can sorta tame her emotions, yet she is seen commenting on her t shirt and sweat pants that they are not much desireable.(Funny how you give the great looking guy the shirt that fits snug against his body...) Which suggests to me that she would like to wear something sexy and 'feminine'

Sam is a great character and I think if you continue to go about the way you are you can have this strong female character. Atleast the type that I seem to enjoy reading about. Just don't mistake the idea of a strong female someone who shouldn't show emotion or someone who is cold. Unless she has a reason to be like this(which I guess you do, with that whole dream/memory thing going)


"You All Everybody! You All Everbody!" - Charlie
fanfiction account Unit7

casondra12's picture

OMG!! I ♥ this chapter, I also ♥ how you put mor detail into this chapter I really hope you continue. I squinted my eyes, convinced this was a hallucination. "Uncle... Walt?"

Uncle Walter grinned and stepped forward. "Oh Samantha, its been too long. I thought you were dead." he said.

That is my favorite part, LOL

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful♥

pinkcupcake's picture

Awh thanks Casondra! Lol, I'm glad you liked that part and the chapter overall (:

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

casondra12's picture

You're welcome.

You're beautiful
Every little piece love, don't you know
You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
When you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful♥