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Help with my daughter
Posted Mon, 01/26/2009 - 15:29 — funny2525I am a mother of four boys and one girl, 8,6,4,2, and 8 months. My girl is the oldest and hardest. I do have problems with my boys, but nothing that I can't handle. My daughter is the one that is out of hand. She hits the boys and she seldomly listens. It is a constent battle with her from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. I try one on one time with her and she always sticks it in the boys face, or she makes me feel bad about it (like telling me I don't spend enough time with her, or don't love her) Her dad and I aren't together anymore and I remarried and so did he, but he also has the same problems with her. She was in therapy and she was doing good for a while, but we took her out and she is worse than ever. We figured that she can't be in therapy for her whole life. We love her dearly and when she has her good moments she is wonderful, but we are at our ends and don't know what to do. Both of us are on the verge of divorces again(mainly because of this issue). Please any suggestions that may help are very welcome, and thank you in advance! 
I think the answer is in the question. If she was doing better in therapy, and got worse when taken out, then clearly SHE didn't feel ready to be done with it. This doesn't mean that she will have to be in it the rest of her life, but taking her out before she is ready may give her the impression that her needs are unimportant to you.
My mother used to yank me in and out of therapy- she would put me in it, and then after a month or so when i finally started feeling like i could work on things she would take me out and say something like "you don't need therapy- you just need to grow up and get over it." The result? I'm 25 and I've just put myself back in therapy for all the same issues.
My suggestion is to have a set "mother-daughter" day once a week, and find a therapist that will work with you both as well as her separately.
Try getting your new spouse to intervine? This goes for both of you. As for not wanting her in therapy her whole life, is understandable. However, Rome wasn't built in a day. Though working WITH the therapist is a good idea to seek some advice on what you can do at home to keep the good days going. Set a limit with the therapist and speak your mind.
Do not be afraid to put your foot down with your daughter. There are so many new laws that makes child raising a difficult task, because parents are so afraid to do anything to get their kids to behave, but remember there are alternatives for discipline. I have a duaghter who is 11, when she was 2 she was an uncontrollable whirlwind of fury, so bad that her father and I divorced and she got worse. All three of us tried family therapy and that seemed to work, but when we stopped it fell apart again, and I totally sympathize with you.
One of the things I learned from parenting my daughter was when she does act up, I would take her aside and sit in time out and we would discuss what she did and try to get her to see why it was wrong to be bad. After a few months she got better.
Also, you have to learn her game. She is pushing buttons on purpose. She knows what will hurt you, because she will say or do something that will cut deeply, she knows she can get you riled up. My daughter did too and I learned not to budge. She would accuse me of not loving her or spending enough time with her. I learned to ignore the comments and continue to spend time with her, show her I loved her. If she was boasting or rubbing it in her siblings face at that point remind her that arrogance leads to no friends, because people will not be nice if she is mean. I know it sounds harsh but it works.
While doing all this include your current spouse in all the child proceedings, he is dad too, and he has to help, a bridge has never been built with just one person alone. Plus its a great way for your guy to build up a good relationship with the kids. Your ex husband should do the same. Worst that can happen is that everyone gets along.
If this doesnt work, seek the advice of a therapist. Child classes can help, and there is always a help line somehwere. Be safe and good luck.
Tiffany A. Brady